My Lips are Concealed

By Cynthia Brown Cooksey


“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, But only what is helpful for building others up, According to their needs,That it may benefit those who listen”(Ephesians 4:29)NIV.

I rummaged through my purse in the seat next to me as I sat waiting for the traffic light to turn green. My lips were dry and cracking from the bitter cold conditions, and I was trying to find my Chap Stick for quick relief. The light turned green, and traffic began to move. With my eyes now on the road, I kept blindly feeling for the tiny tube as I accelerated with the flow of cars.

Instead of the Chap Stick, I came upon what I thought was my lip gloss. Thankful for anything that could provide relief to my irritated lips, I grabbed the tube from the bottom of my purse. Still watching the road ahead, I unscrewed the cap and used the sponge applicator to rub the moist balm onto my lips.

At the next traffic light, I looked in the rear view mirror to check my application of lip gloss. Something did not feel quite right, and I wondered what was wrong. To my surprise, when I looked in the mirror I realized that I had applied ivory toned concealer instead of lip gloss. My lips were now the same color as the skin surrounding them!

As I looked for a tissue to wipe away my mistake, I thought about the fact that sometimes it would be best if my lips really were concealed. I recalled many times when being silent would have been a much better choice than speaking my mind. The reflection in my mirror reminded me that I frequently speak harshly to my husband or children and say things to them that I would never say to others outside my home. When stressed or frustrated, I submit to the urge to "say the last word" during an argument. More often than not, the "last word" should be eliminated from my vocabulary. There are other times when the problem might be the tone I use to speak to my loved ones; in other words, it's not what I say, but rather how I say it.

The Bible has many lessons on how we should talk to others and the types of conversations we should be having with them. Here are a few verses to meditate upon concerning our speech:

• “Wisdom is found on the lips of the discerning” (Proverbs 10:13).

• “When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise” (Proverbs 10:19).

• “The lips of the righteous nourish many” (Proverbs 10:21).

• “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger”
(Proverbs 15:1).

• “He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity” (Proverbs 21:23).

• “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver” (Proverbs 25:11).

• “But I tell you that men will have to give account on the Day of Judgment for every careless word they have spoken” (Matthew 12:36).

If we hit the pause button on our lips and think about these instructions, we can live more harmoniously with our families, friends, co-workers, acquaintances…even strangers who cross our paths. More importantly, our testimony will not be tarnished by the use of careless words. Stop and think about the visual of "concealed lips" before you snap back with a quick response to someone in your "line of fire." Use words that build up, rather than tear down. You never know when your kind words may be life-changing for someone. Choose to sow peace with your words, rather than anger…my lips are concealed.

Overcoming Anger

by Jenny Smith

I sank slowly to the ground in my kitchen, right in the same spot, where the cabinets meet and form a v-shape. For some reason I’m drawn here every time. Maybe on some level the closeness of the cabinets feels like someone’s comforting arms. Not that anyone would comfort me if they knew what I had just done.

As tears poured down my face I feel so helpless, defeated and shameful. I’m in church weekly, a volunteer at the elementary school, and harboring a secret that if anyone knew would cause me to lose everything. Why can’t I get my anger under control? Why do I hurt my little ones, with my words and actions, over and over?

My secret was anger. The cycle was vicious. I would blow up, cry my eyes out in my corner and then get up acting like it never happened. Deep down I wanted to change, I did everything I knew to do. I prayed, I tried and I failed, over and over. At the time, I was teaching an adult class at church, we had started a study on the book of James. It was in that book where I discovered something that changed me.

“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective” (James 5:16 NIV).

I can still remember when I saw those words on the page, I started sweating and I felt like I might throw up. I wanted God to make my anger go away, but I would never consider telling anyone. What would they do? Who would they tell? How would people treat me?

My girls were young, Meghan was nine, Katie was six and Lauren was four. I knew what I was doing was marking their lives. ‘Confess your faults’ must have rolled around my head for days. One evening I was walking down the hall at church and I saw our Pastor’s wife. As I asked her if we could talk, I started stammering. I thought I was going to die! I really can’t remember exactly what I told her, but it was at that moment that I changed.

The power of a secret is huge! Once I pulled my secret out into the light, then God started showing me what steps I needed to take next to be healed. In my case, it was telling my husband. That was a painful conversation; he was so disappointed in me. Next, came getting down with the girls individually and telling them bluntly it was sinning when mom said/did that, and it was wrong. Would they forgive me?

Now my girls are seventeen, thirteen and eleven, and they still remember some of the bad times, but what they remember most is that mom changed. I’m not the same anymore, I have been healed!

If you are hanging on to a secret, I know that if you share it the power will be broken. Find someone you can trust and tell them. Nothing is more exciting than freedom!

Jenny’s passion is sharing both her struggles and successes with women to encourage them in their own walk with Jesus. Jenny and her husband Chad, reside in Adairsville, Georgia with their three girls, Meghan, Katie, and Lauren. You can visit Jenny’s website at www.keepinginstride.com for more resources.

Marriage According to God

By: Rachel Olsen, Speaker Team Member

Genesis 2:24, "Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh." (RSV)

1 Peter 3:1-2, "… you wives must accept the authority of your husbands, even those who refuse to accept the Good News. Your godly lives will speak to them better than any words. They will be won over by watching your pure, godly behavior." (NLT)

1 Peter 3:7, "In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat her with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God's gift of new life. If you don't treat her as you should, your prayers will not be heard." (NLT)

Colossians 3:18-19, "A wife must put her husband first. This is her duty as a follower of the Lord. A husband must love his wife and not abuse her." (CEV)

Song of Solomon 2:3, "Like an apple tree among the trees in the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. I want to sit in his shadow. His fruit tastes sweet to me. He leads me into a banquet room and looks at me with love." (GWT)

Hebrews 13:4, "Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband. God draws a firm line against casual and illicit sex." (MSG)

Ephesians 4:31, "Get rid of your bitterness, hot tempers, anger, loud quarreling, cursing and hatred. Be kind to each other, sympathetic, forgiving each other as God has forgiven you through Christ." (GWT)

Fighting Words

By: Rachel Olsen, Speaker Team Member

Research indicates many couples break up because they do not know how to resolve their differences through communication. This month’s issue of the P31 Woman featured an article on “Fighting Fair” by Dr. Steve Stephens and Alice Gray, authors of The Walk Out Woman.

These authors offered useful information for resolving arguments constructively including:

• Select an appropriate time and place to discuss the issue.
• Discuss only one issue at a time and don’t drag up past offensives.
• Try not to interrupt when your spouse is speaking.
• Work towards a compromise or a solution that each person can live with.
• Choose your words respectfully and carefully, and apologize if need be at the end of the discussion for anything hurtful you may have said.

That last tip – to choose our words respectfully and carefully – is something the Bible says a lot about. God knows hostile words breed resentment and aggression, and these are major obstacles to resolving conflicts. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.”

Proverbs 12:18 says, “There is one who speaks rashly, like a piercing sword; but the tongue of the wise [brings] healing.” Here, speaking rashly (hastily, impulsively, and carelessly) is linked with speaking piercing (cutting, wounding, and destructive) words. So when we blurt out in anger, in self-defense or in retaliation, we tend to do so with damaging words that create a larger divide between us and our spouse.

Hastily venting negative emotions may “clear our chest” temporarily, but it only serves to escalate the conflict. The same is true of name-calling, cursing and sarcasm. Each of these word choices will carry you farther and farther away from a solution or resolution.

How much better it is to remain calm and choose our words carefully. Proverbs 15:28 says, “The mind of the righteous person thinks before answering, but the mouth of the wicked blurts out evil things.” Proverbs 29:11 echoes that point, explaining, “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man holds it in check.”

Jesus’ brother James wrote to early Christians advising, “My dearly loved brothers, understand this: everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger” (James 1:19). James understood that words have an eternal nature. He knew that once they are spoken, the damage they do cannot be simply erased. He remembered his brother Jesus warning, “I tell you that on the day of judgment people will have to account for every careless word they speak” (Matthew 12:36).

All couples experience conflict from time to time. Successfully navigating our way through disagreement can leave our marriage – or any relationship - stronger than before. Taming our tongue to communicate effectively and respectfully is key. We do not have to become one of the statistics of divorce. When discussing a problem or issue, keep focused on the goal to mutually resolve the conflict and restore the relationship. Then, carefully choose words that will move you towards, and not away from these goals.

Rachel is a member of the P31 Speaker Team and holds a master’s degree in family communication. Some of her topics include FRUITFUL FAMILES and THE PURPOSE DRIVEN MOM.

Anger Management for Moms

By Rachel Olsen

Anger is an intense and often negative emotion we all experience from time to time. As parents we frequently find ourselves angered or frustrated by our children's behavior. It is important that we work to manage this anger in healthy ways. Here are five tips for doing so:

1) Take a "parental time out" to cool down and think things over.
2) Calmly verbalize your feelings. For example, "Mommy is feeling frustrated with the way you acted and I need a few minutes to calm down. Then we'll talk."
3) Realize that anger is a secondary emotion and try to isolate the primary stressor - perhaps fear, sadness or fatigue.
4) Stay in the present avoiding statements such as "You always do this to me," "How many times do I have to tell you?!" or "When will you ever learn?"
5) Make household rules and their consequences clear, consistent, and well known to all.

This can go a long way in preventing misbehavior and dealing with it effectively when it does occur.If you do lose your cool with your kids, be sure to acknowledge your mistake and ask their forgiveness. Then discuss together ways each of you could behave better, under similar circumstances, in the future