Thursday, February 28, 2008

A Wife’s Reconciliation

By: Abi Olukeye

I frequently joke that I was born to be my parent’s first son but somehow came out as a girl. From the youngest age that I can remember, I have had the strongest passions and most aggressive dreams. My mind has always been rock strong and my heart independent of customary approvals. When I got married and realized that “me” had to somehow fit into “us”, I didn’t think it would be that difficult. In fact I figured it would just happen. But then, questions like these started flooding my mind: “Why isn’t he more like me? Why doesn’t he have a billion dreams and desires? Why is it always my idea to do this and that?”

By Abi Olukeye

A few months before my husband, Isaac, and I met he had just decided to rededicate his life to Christ. It was evident that his decision was sincere, and I acknowledged his healthy and steady growth. Nevertheless, I struggled with whether he was going to be “spiritual” enough to be my husband. I had warned my heart to commit itself only to someone spiritually stronger, so that, if for some reason I fall off the wagon, he would restore me. I guess I pretty much wanted to marry Jesus!

Even though I wrestled internally with reconciling this amazingly sweet young man’s love with my religious notion of a spiritual husband, I couldn’t deny God’s reassuring whisper that Isaac was His choice for my life. So I let my heart go and trusted God, constantly reminding myself of the assurances He had given me concerning Isaac.

As we grew together in our courtship, I started to realize that I had assumed the role of spiritual leader in our relationship. Every time we prayed together and waited for answers, God would speak His answer to me first. And, just like a child jumping out of their seat in order to get called on to answer a question, I would pick up the phone and call Isaac, screaming excitedly:

“Baby, baby, I know the answer!”

I thank God that Isaac was secure enough in his own personal relationship with God. He would lovingly say, “Wow! This is great; I just need some time to marinate on this. Let me also pray about it.” That response would frustrate me. In my head I would scream, “Hello!! Marinate??? This is the answer we’ve been waiting for, TRUST ME!!” After several instances of this, I went complaining to God, feeling sure that God would take my side. But, in His usual fathering way, God helped me understand that He in fact shared everything with me ahead of time, so that I could keep both Isaac and what I had received in prayer. In His time, He would reveal the same to Isaac but I must submit to his leadership.

It took a lot for me to learn to hold back, but I eventually did, and God was right; Isaac always ended up coming to the same conclusion God had hinted to me, sometimes months before. I had learned my lesson and was happy; but little did I know that I was still in training.

After only a couple of months of marriage, I found myself in the “forefront” again. Most of our discussions were about my passions and my purpose and my ideas for these fabulous things that we could do for God. I didn’t intentionally want it to be all about me. Isaac just hadn’t voiced any passions or ideas that we could pursue; instead he was incredibly supportive and encouraged my creativity. It eventually started feeling awkward, being all the way out front with my husband supporting me from behind all the time. So I stopped and cried to God for insight into His plans for our marriage, not just my life.

Mary (the mother of Jesus) portrays a beautiful example of a woman privileged to receive the promises regarding a loved one way ahead of time. I can only imagine the amount of patience she employed while waiting 33yrs to see the manifestation of the word she received from God about the sacrificial mission of her baby. I don’t trust myself not to have enrolled Him in seminary, instead of first grade, to speed the process up. Regardless of what her internal disposition might have been during the life of Jesus, the Bible notes a wise thing that Mary did as the signs of Jesus’ calling began to show: “His mother held these things dearly, deep within herself. (Luke 2:51)”

That is the ability that I need and seek from God: the courage to hold “these things” dearly and deeply within myself, and to not automatically plan our lives with them. As wives, God sometimes calls private meetings with us, sharing many wonderful promises. I do not think He does so because He secretly views us as the “real” heads of our families. On the contrary, He does so because He trusts us to pray and believe those promises into manifestation.

The answer to my prayer for insight came at about 2:13am one morning, after God successfully dragged me out of bed to deliver the truth that would set me free. God reminded me that my life was His plan and His idea. He then opened my eyes to see myself as a part of a whole within my marriage. As a result, I fell in love with my husband all over again, placed him back at the head of our family (where he belonged), and wrote him a beautiful letter to celebrate my dramatic re-alignment.

God has Isaac’s heart, and I am learning that is enough. He jealously fathers him just as well as He does me. And, as He promised in Jeremiah 29:11, He knows His plans for both of us, to bring us to His expected end (not mine!). I can be assured that God’s purposes will punctuate our lives as long as we are submitted to Him.

Abi Olukeye lives in Huntersville NC with her darling husband Isaac. She is the creator of Love, Pearls, and Swine ( an e-zine that candidly discusses issues affecting single, dating, and newlywed young women. In her free time, she enjoys traveling, sewing, music, and reading.


Carina Deshotels said...
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